So computers, while fun and great, are peddled by the devil, and roll off of production lines of fire in hell, with their motherboards crafted in pure evil. You may think I'm exxagerating, and you might be right, but we all have to admit that there are times when we all feel this way. And during those times, we are certain we purchased our desktops and laptops from lucifer himself, wearing a Best Buy name tag, and his best "you just got fucked" grin.

See, about four years ago...

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So Krystyn tagged me to do this, and it was an easy way to get back to blogging. I'm not sure what this thing originally looked like, but I stole it from my wife, who stole it from Sarah, who might have stolen it from somewhere else. We're all a buncha thieves, aren't we? I haven't kept up with my blog nearly as much as I should, but I'm going to make a concerted effort from here forward. I'm easing back in with this, starting now...

1. Does someone love you?
Yes, and I love them too, for millions of reasons. I totally won the "Have a Beautiful Family Lottery".

2. What colour is your couch?
We have two - one is a burnt orange, and one is an overstuffed floral. The floral one was a gift, and we've been talking about replacing them, because neither of them are in tip-top shape anymore. Y'know, kids.

3. Has anyone ever mistaken you for someone famous?
Twice. Once, about eight or nine years ago, I had my hair bleached, and a big fat goatee. Some teenage girl at a coffeeshop asked me for my autograph, thinking I was Chino Moreno, the lead singer of Deftones. Then, a few years ago, some guy at a bar thought I was Mr. T. We were both really drunk, but that's no excuse, really.

4. Are you named after a grandparent?
No, I'm not. My real dad and I have the same middle name, but we never really knew one another, so I consider it coincidence.

5. Say you were given a drug test right now. Would you pass or fail?
I pass on grass, so I'd totally pass a drug test too.

6. Are you taller than 5′'6"″?
Sure, why not?

7. When was the last time you were disappointed?
It's been awhile. Probably my birthday last year. I asked for an official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time, but it was a no-go. Everyone just kept saying, "you'll shoot your eye out kid".

8. Ever seen a dead body?
Several times, unfortunately.

9. Who was the last person to send you a text message?
My wife. In, like, 2004. We don't have/need a cell phone these days.

10. What did you do yesterday?
I magically transformed Belle's bunk beds into one bed for her, and a "new" bed for Phoebe, dishes, laundry, vacuuming, fathering, etc...

11. What’s the first thing you would do with five million dollars?
I'd buy a new house, with more land, and a new car. Gifts for friends and family, then bank the rest.

12. What nationalit(ies) are you?
I'm a bit German, past that, I don't know too much.

13. Any upcoming concerts you want to attend?
I stopped keeping track after we moved to the middle of nowhere. I don't miss shows as much as I thought I would. I'd like to find a concert that the whole family would like, but so far, nothing's been close enough to home.

14. Who’s the last person that you felt was stalking you?
Phoebe. She goes EVERYWHERE with me. Nine times out of ten, I can't even take a shower without her hopping in. It beats the hell out of being away from them all day at work though, so I can't complain.

15. What’s your zodiac sign?
Scorpio. Chinese year of the dragon.

16. Where do you spend most of your money?
We pay our bills online, so the internet. If you're talking about spending money, and me personally, it usually goes toward electronic gadgets. I'm a nerd.

17. On what do you spend most of your energy?
I don't really think I "spend" my energy. It's forcibly taken, by my children, and I want it BACK!

18. Is there a secret you’ve never told any of your friends?
Nope. Well, except for the story about that guy in the bar that thought I was Mr. T.

19. What are you doing in 2008?
Spending time with my family, working on the house, drinking lots of coffee, teaching Phoebe to read, and hopefully, finally taking a family vacation.

20. What’s your favourite Disney movie?
Disney is a big, fat cash cow, and I'm not at all fond of the franchise. When it was still run by Walt Disney, it stood for something. I'll save the $450 a day at Disneyland would cost me, and invest it in Pixar stock., and buy the kids a pony.
See, I thought I had done my research, looking back to Pixar's three picture deal with Disney, then Know-It-All Elaine pops in and says "Disney owns Pixar you moron, don't you know anything? Why don't you just keep your damn mouth shut if you're not going to have your facts straight? Idiot." Or, something to that effect, I don't think I quoted her properly. Anyway, Pixar was purchased by Disney in 2006. Steve Jobs is now Disney's largest shareholder because of the acquisition, and since Steve Jobs and I both hate Michael Eisner, it's all okay. Thank you for pointing that out Elaine, and my apologies to Bolivia, and any other country owned by Disney or it's subsidiaries.

21. Have you cried today?
Um, no. Being a grown man and whatnot, I'm not really big on the crying.

23. What is your ringtone?
We don't have/need a cell phone these days, as stated above. But back in the day, I switched back and forth between the Knight Rider and A-Team themes.

24. What is the wallpaper on your mobile phone background on your computer?
I changed this one, because I'm tired of all the damn cell phone questions. My wife had a good idea with putting up her desktop background instead, so I'm doing that too, because I wanna be like her. Here's mine:


click to view larger

25. Name twenty five bloggers you read that you’d like to learn twenty five things about.
You’re all invited to answer one of the above questions in the comments. (Yes, I stole this verbatim too. Snap!) Funny thing is, I don't know anywhere near 25 bloggers, so Whomever is reading this, consider yourself tagged.

I have several posts planned out, but I just can't seem to get the time to put one of them together. I know this is a cop-out for a post, but it's had over 7,000 views since I put it up, so I figured it's funny enough to be a placemarker until I get a "real" post up. Watch for "the strays"... easily the funniest part.

The author apologizes in advance for the graphic nature of this post. Readers should proceed with cautionSo, if you're noticing the timestamp on this entry, you'll see that it is 3:10am, my time. Normally, I wouldn't post this late, but any of us out there that have kids know, you can't go to sleep until your kids go to sleep. Christa took Charlie off to bed about an hour ago (I know, we party like rockstars), which leaves wide-eyed Phoebe to me. I laid down to watch Care Bears with her, because we all know that creepy bears that shoot crap out of their bellies put kids to sleep faster than QVC. After about 10 minutes of this, she silently gets up, and trots over to her potty.

I must note three things at this juncture.
1. Phoebe is completely "potty-autonomous", however, at such a disadvantaged height, is unable to use the full-size toilet unassisted.
2. Of the red and green potties, Phoebe prefers the green one to enough of a degree to trek to the back of the house to use it.
3. When Phoebe poops, she's decided that it is entirely necessary for either Christa or myself to rub her tummy. In a circular motion, with ONLY the fingertips. Any diverting from this procedure, induces great displeasure.

Having noted the above, I bring you our conversation (verbatim within a few words, I'm sure) of 15 minutes ago...

[Phoebe] Daddy, I need you to rub my tummy.

[protagonist] Okay sweetie, let me sit down first.

[Phoebe]Thanks. No, like this. (using her own hand to rub her belly with ONLY the fingertips)

[protagonist] Right, sorry.

[Phoebe] That's okay, it was an accident. -pauses-
[Phoebe] I can't get this new job.

[me] Huh?

[Phoebe] I can't do this job.

[me] What are you talking about? What job?

[Phoebe] This poop. I can't take this dump.

[me, giggling] Be patient, this "job" will be okay.

[Phoebe] My poop's not coming out. Oh, wait. My poop is coming out. I told you my poop would come out.

[me] Actually, I told you...(realizing what I was about to do)... um, yes you did.

[Phoebe] When you go to the gas station, when you go to the grocery store, you can get me a treat. If you be good, you can get a treat too. You can get M&Ms. When you drive in the car, we can both get a treat, and I will be good for Mommy.

[me] We can talk about going in the car tomorrow, what about being good for Daddy?

[Phoebe] I will be good for you too. When you get a present, I can help you open it. And then you will be older. (Phoebe now rubs my cheek)...

[me] Are you talking about a birthday present? You'll help me open a birthday present?

[Phoebe] (nodding) Yeah, you can get a white DS, like Belle's, and I will help you open it. Then we can draw (referring to picture chatting between Marissa's white Nintendo DS, and Phoebe's black one), and I will help you open it, and then you can draw me a ghost, and I will draw the ghost's (pronounced "ghostes") mouth.

[me] Maybe I could just borrow Belle's DS, and we can draw when she comes home.

[Phoebe] Yeah. Or you can get a green juice cup.

[me] Okay.

[Phoebe] For your present. You can get a green juice cup, with coffee in it.

[me] That sounds pretty... (abruptly cut off)

[Phoebe] Then you will be older.

[me] Yes.

[Phoebe] Can we go to the gas station and get M&Ms now?

[me] It's too late to go to the gas station, it's time to go to sleep, it's after three in the morning, and way past your bedtime (I say, as if she has one).

[Phoebe] Okay, we can go to the gas station tomorrow, and you can get a red lip gloss, and I can get M&Ms.

[me] I don't know if I... (again, abruptly cut off)...

[Phoebe] A red treat. Your green juice cup can hold your soda too. If you want, and I can have M&Ms and a red lip gloss.

[me] Are you done pooping?

[Phoebe] Yep. Can you wipe me?

[me] You bet. (I also take the picture below)

[Phoebe] Can we go to the gas station now?

[me] Seriously? No. We're gonna go lay down and watch Care Bears, it's very late. We can go to the gas station tomorrow.

[Phoebe] Okay, we'll go to the gas station tomorrow, and right now I can paint in my Care Bears book.

[me] No, we can watch Care Bears. You can paint tomorrow.

[Phoebe] Okay, I'll go and get my Care Bears book.

[me] *sigh.

She was asleep 10 minutes later.

So I'm back now. It's been a long time since I've had a blog. There are a few people out there that may remember my old one, although it was a few years ago. I closed the doors on it, after an entry about my family, which was read by my sister, caused a whole lot of trouble in my life. It's time to move on from that.

So here's my new and improved blog. I'm with Squarespace now, which drops a lot of ass-kickery on other publishing sites, and I have a wider content base.

Have a look around, you might find a few things you like.