Potty Mouth
The author apologizes in advance for the graphic nature of this post. Readers should proceed with cautionSo, if you're noticing the timestamp on this entry, you'll see that it is 3:10am, my time. Normally, I wouldn't post this late, but any of us out there that have kids know, you can't go to sleep until your kids go to sleep. Christa took Charlie off to bed about an hour ago (I know, we party like rockstars), which leaves wide-eyed Phoebe to me. I laid down to watch Care Bears with her, because we all know that creepy bears that shoot crap out of their bellies put kids to sleep faster than QVC. After about 10 minutes of this, she silently gets up, and trots over to her potty.
I must note three things at this juncture.
1. Phoebe is completely "potty-autonomous", however, at such a disadvantaged height, is unable to use the full-size toilet unassisted.
2. Of the red and green potties, Phoebe prefers the green one to enough of a degree to trek to the back of the house to use it.
3. When Phoebe poops, she's decided that it is entirely necessary for either Christa or myself to rub her tummy. In a circular motion, with ONLY the fingertips. Any diverting from this procedure, induces great displeasure.
Having noted the above, I bring you our conversation (verbatim within a few words, I'm sure) of 15 minutes ago...
[Phoebe] Daddy, I need you to rub my tummy.
[protagonist] Okay sweetie, let me sit down first.
[Phoebe]Thanks. No, like this. (using her own hand to rub her belly with ONLY the fingertips)
[protagonist] Right, sorry.
[Phoebe] That's okay, it was an accident. -pauses-
[Phoebe] I can't get this new job.
[me] Huh?
[Phoebe] I can't do this job.
[me] What are you talking about? What job?
[Phoebe] This poop. I can't take this dump.
[me, giggling] Be patient, this "job" will be okay.
[Phoebe] My poop's not coming out. Oh, wait. My poop is coming out. I told you my poop would come out.
[me] Actually, I told you...(realizing what I was about to do)... um, yes you did.
[Phoebe] When you go to the gas station, when you go to the grocery store, you can get me a treat. If you be good, you can get a treat too. You can get M&Ms. When you drive in the car, we can both get a treat, and I will be good for Mommy.
[me] We can talk about going in the car tomorrow, what about being good for Daddy?
[Phoebe] I will be good for you too. When you get a present, I can help you open it. And then you will be older. (Phoebe now rubs my cheek)...
[me] Are you talking about a birthday present? You'll help me open a birthday present?
[Phoebe] (nodding) Yeah, you can get a white DS, like Belle's, and I will help you open it. Then we can draw (referring to picture chatting between Marissa's white Nintendo DS, and Phoebe's black one), and I will help you open it, and then you can draw me a ghost, and I will draw the ghost's (pronounced "ghostes") mouth.
[me] Maybe I could just borrow Belle's DS, and we can draw when she comes home.
[Phoebe] Yeah. Or you can get a green juice cup.
[me] Okay.
[Phoebe] For your present. You can get a green juice cup, with coffee in it.
[me] That sounds pretty... (abruptly cut off)
[Phoebe] Then you will be older.
[me] Yes.
[Phoebe] Can we go to the gas station and get M&Ms now?
[me] It's too late to go to the gas station, it's time to go to sleep, it's after three in the morning, and way past your bedtime (I say, as if she has one).
[Phoebe] Okay, we can go to the gas station tomorrow, and you can get a red lip gloss, and I can get M&Ms.
[me] I don't know if I... (again, abruptly cut off)...
[Phoebe] A red treat. Your green juice cup can hold your soda too. If you want, and I can have M&Ms and a red lip gloss.
[me] Are you done pooping?
[Phoebe] Yep. Can you wipe me?
[me] You bet. (I also take the picture below)
[Phoebe] Can we go to the gas station now?
[me] Seriously? No. We're gonna go lay down and watch Care Bears, it's very late. We can go to the gas station tomorrow.
[Phoebe] Okay, we'll go to the gas station tomorrow, and right now I can paint in my Care Bears book.
[me] No, we can watch Care Bears. You can paint tomorrow.
[Phoebe] Okay, I'll go and get my Care Bears book.
[me] *sigh.
She was asleep 10 minutes later.
I must note three things at this juncture.
1. Phoebe is completely "potty-autonomous", however, at such a disadvantaged height, is unable to use the full-size toilet unassisted.
2. Of the red and green potties, Phoebe prefers the green one to enough of a degree to trek to the back of the house to use it.
3. When Phoebe poops, she's decided that it is entirely necessary for either Christa or myself to rub her tummy. In a circular motion, with ONLY the fingertips. Any diverting from this procedure, induces great displeasure.
Having noted the above, I bring you our conversation (verbatim within a few words, I'm sure) of 15 minutes ago...
[Phoebe] Daddy, I need you to rub my tummy.
[protagonist] Okay sweetie, let me sit down first.
[Phoebe]Thanks. No, like this. (using her own hand to rub her belly with ONLY the fingertips)
[protagonist] Right, sorry.
[Phoebe] That's okay, it was an accident. -pauses-
[Phoebe] I can't get this new job.
[me] Huh?
[Phoebe] I can't do this job.
[me] What are you talking about? What job?
[Phoebe] This poop. I can't take this dump.
[me, giggling] Be patient, this "job" will be okay.
[Phoebe] My poop's not coming out. Oh, wait. My poop is coming out. I told you my poop would come out.
[me] Actually, I told you...(realizing what I was about to do)... um, yes you did.
[Phoebe] When you go to the gas station, when you go to the grocery store, you can get me a treat. If you be good, you can get a treat too. You can get M&Ms. When you drive in the car, we can both get a treat, and I will be good for Mommy.
[me] We can talk about going in the car tomorrow, what about being good for Daddy?
[Phoebe] I will be good for you too. When you get a present, I can help you open it. And then you will be older. (Phoebe now rubs my cheek)...
[me] Are you talking about a birthday present? You'll help me open a birthday present?
[Phoebe] (nodding) Yeah, you can get a white DS, like Belle's, and I will help you open it. Then we can draw (referring to picture chatting between Marissa's white Nintendo DS, and Phoebe's black one), and I will help you open it, and then you can draw me a ghost, and I will draw the ghost's (pronounced "ghostes") mouth.
[me] Maybe I could just borrow Belle's DS, and we can draw when she comes home.
[Phoebe] Yeah. Or you can get a green juice cup.
[me] Okay.
[Phoebe] For your present. You can get a green juice cup, with coffee in it.
[me] That sounds pretty... (abruptly cut off)
[Phoebe] Then you will be older.
[me] Yes.
[Phoebe] Can we go to the gas station and get M&Ms now?
[me] It's too late to go to the gas station, it's time to go to sleep, it's after three in the morning, and way past your bedtime (I say, as if she has one).
[Phoebe] Okay, we can go to the gas station tomorrow, and you can get a red lip gloss, and I can get M&Ms.
[me] I don't know if I... (again, abruptly cut off)...
[Phoebe] A red treat. Your green juice cup can hold your soda too. If you want, and I can have M&Ms and a red lip gloss.
[me] Are you done pooping?
[Phoebe] Yep. Can you wipe me?
[me] You bet. (I also take the picture below)
[Phoebe] Can we go to the gas station now?
[me] Seriously? No. We're gonna go lay down and watch Care Bears, it's very late. We can go to the gas station tomorrow.
[Phoebe] Okay, we'll go to the gas station tomorrow, and right now I can paint in my Care Bears book.
[me] No, we can watch Care Bears. You can paint tomorrow.
[Phoebe] Okay, I'll go and get my Care Bears book.
[me] *sigh.
She was asleep 10 minutes later.
Posted on Sunday, June 24, 2007 at 03:09AM
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Reader Comments (4)
Oh, crap. I laughed so hard I cried. This was the effing funniest thing EVAR. Definitely funny enough to justify you being up at 3am.
"This poop. I can't take this dump". OH MY GOSH! That is just so freaking cute! Seriously, the whole thing cracked me up!
Wow, that's a whole lot of talking and planning for the middle of the night. She's going to make a good student later in life.
But anyway, it's 12.41am here, so I'm going to go to bed too now.
Ah, the days of assisting on the potty. Nowadays, I only get called to the bathroom to see the really big ones before they get flushed.
"Doooooood! Look at this one! It looks like a snake!"