Entries by Ctrl+Alt+Destroy (12)
The First
Okay, so, I had planned to post this yesterday, for more impact (lol), but didn't get around to it until today. I wasn't sure if I wanted to rant on this, or West Virginia electricity, but I decided to go with this, since I'd have to wait a month to talk about it again.
Every month, I promise myself that I won't go into town on the 1st, and every month, I end up having to do it anyway. No amount of preparedness can seem to keep items like coffee, half & half, sugar, or tea on hand to get us through just this one day. It's almost like some kind of freak curse. I think I might be getting a bit ahead of myself, let me explain...
West Virginia must have an extraordinarily efficient system for processing welfare, unemployment, social security, and whatever other federal programs exist for those that are injured, unemployed, old, or otherwise just lazy, because every single on of these crazies are out with check in hand, exactly on the first, every month. Let me also explain that while 90% of our community is comprised of fat or obese people, it also offers no shortage of elderly, unemployed, and lazy people. I would be comfortable estimating that around 70% of the town can be considered "elderly", which at least to some degree, is terrifying. I mention all of this because beginning at around 7am on the first of any given month, it begins. All of the old, fat, lazy, broken people of our community all flood into town with their state check in hand. They're at the grocery store, buying dog food, at the gas station buying beer and lottery tickets, and at the hardware store buying chainsaws. I'm not sure how common the chainsaw thing is, but I've seen it happen, man. Now, I know it seems like I'm generalizing here, but in a town our size, you get to know people, and you learn which are the people that only see the light of day on the first of the month. Plus, I'm okay with generalizing in this context, it's not like I'm writing an encyclopedia entry, or putting together a census. So because of all of these facts, I loathe going into town on the first day of any month. For example, yesterday, on August 1st, I waited in line nearly 20 minutes at the gas station to overpay for a tank of gas, while ten (I counted) jackasses bout 24 packs of Budweiser and Coors Light, and two more redneck yahoos checked their lottery ticket stashes against the current winning numbers. I guess $13,000,000 would buy a LOT of Coors Light and Redman tobacco. Then, at the grocery store, the time spent waiting in line to buy two quarts of half and half was likely long enough to have finished the book I'm currently reading, if only I had thought to bring it.
"No, sir, for the fourth time, you cannot buy cigarettes with these food vouchers."
So you're probably wondering (or maybe you're not) why I keep referring to our home as a "town", and not a "city"? I've played Sim City a few times, and if I remember correctly, Sim City states that a town has a population under 2,000, while a city, has a population from 2,001 to , um, something higher, if I remember correctly. Although we're all aware that Sim City is the authority on these types of issues, I've dug up some actual facts as well. As you can see here, the population of Webster Springs (Addison) in the year 2000, was 808. Staggering, isn't it? You'll also see that in 2000, nearly 10% of the population is "unemployed". There are many interesting facts about our home. Most of them are pleasant, and are part of why we moved here. There are a few, however, that are just crazy. Look at this:
So much for our kids understanding diversity, huh? I've been meaning to write up a comparison between California, and here, but that's for another time, as that will be a long post, all in itself.
To summarize, next month, I will be grocery shopping with a full tank of gas on the 28th. Keeping with the theme of the post, I've uploaded a short video I took, while driving from one end of town to the other last month. It covers the following area:
It's a small trip from the hardware store in Cherry Falls (the next town over), to the gas station, to the grocery store, then home. Enjoy...
Every month, I promise myself that I won't go into town on the 1st, and every month, I end up having to do it anyway. No amount of preparedness can seem to keep items like coffee, half & half, sugar, or tea on hand to get us through just this one day. It's almost like some kind of freak curse. I think I might be getting a bit ahead of myself, let me explain...
West Virginia must have an extraordinarily efficient system for processing welfare, unemployment, social security, and whatever other federal programs exist for those that are injured, unemployed, old, or otherwise just lazy, because every single on of these crazies are out with check in hand, exactly on the first, every month. Let me also explain that while 90% of our community is comprised of fat or obese people, it also offers no shortage of elderly, unemployed, and lazy people. I would be comfortable estimating that around 70% of the town can be considered "elderly", which at least to some degree, is terrifying. I mention all of this because beginning at around 7am on the first of any given month, it begins. All of the old, fat, lazy, broken people of our community all flood into town with their state check in hand. They're at the grocery store, buying dog food, at the gas station buying beer and lottery tickets, and at the hardware store buying chainsaws. I'm not sure how common the chainsaw thing is, but I've seen it happen, man. Now, I know it seems like I'm generalizing here, but in a town our size, you get to know people, and you learn which are the people that only see the light of day on the first of the month. Plus, I'm okay with generalizing in this context, it's not like I'm writing an encyclopedia entry, or putting together a census. So because of all of these facts, I loathe going into town on the first day of any month. For example, yesterday, on August 1st, I waited in line nearly 20 minutes at the gas station to overpay for a tank of gas, while ten (I counted) jackasses bout 24 packs of Budweiser and Coors Light, and two more redneck yahoos checked their lottery ticket stashes against the current winning numbers. I guess $13,000,000 would buy a LOT of Coors Light and Redman tobacco. Then, at the grocery store, the time spent waiting in line to buy two quarts of half and half was likely long enough to have finished the book I'm currently reading, if only I had thought to bring it.
"No, sir, for the fourth time, you cannot buy cigarettes with these food vouchers."
So you're probably wondering (or maybe you're not) why I keep referring to our home as a "town", and not a "city"? I've played Sim City a few times, and if I remember correctly, Sim City states that a town has a population under 2,000, while a city, has a population from 2,001 to , um, something higher, if I remember correctly. Although we're all aware that Sim City is the authority on these types of issues, I've dug up some actual facts as well. As you can see here, the population of Webster Springs (Addison) in the year 2000, was 808. Staggering, isn't it? You'll also see that in 2000, nearly 10% of the population is "unemployed". There are many interesting facts about our home. Most of them are pleasant, and are part of why we moved here. There are a few, however, that are just crazy. Look at this:
So much for our kids understanding diversity, huh? I've been meaning to write up a comparison between California, and here, but that's for another time, as that will be a long post, all in itself.
To summarize, next month, I will be grocery shopping with a full tank of gas on the 28th. Keeping with the theme of the post, I've uploaded a short video I took, while driving from one end of town to the other last month. It covers the following area:
It's a small trip from the hardware store in Cherry Falls (the next town over), to the gas station, to the grocery store, then home. Enjoy...
Posted on Saturday, August 2, 2008 at 03:40PM
by
Ctrl+Alt+Destroy
in Ranting, Show 'n Tell, Tangent
|
2 Comments
Ctrl+Alt+Destroy
in Ranting, Show 'n Tell, Tangent
|
2 Comments
Overhaul
I think I need to overhaul this site. There's a lot of stuff I need to take down, due to inactivity, and maybe even change a few things. I tried putting in that audio thing, but it was more work than it was worth, as I don't think anyone ever even looked at it, except Christa, when I made her, to see what she thought. None of the songs are even stored online anymore. On top of that, for reasons mentioned in an earlier post somewhere, my Flickr is a joke. I wanted this to be sort of interactive, but it's really not, lol. I'm going to start putting up pictures of myself eating candy bars, and videos of Barbara Streisand, just to see if anyone notices. Regardless, I said I was going to post more, if people are reading it or not, all whining aside.
I saw a survey on myspace, and decided to do it here, it the completely half-serious way that I do surveys that I find there. It definitely adds to my enjoyment of them. Here we are, copied and pasted:
Can you spell your first name using only bands?
BeckRadiohead
Yaz
At The Drive-In
Nada Surf
Have you chewed gum after someone else already has?
You mean the exact same piece of Gum? That's disgusting. So, yes.
How would you describe your significant other?
Magical, beautiful, intelligent, hilarious, sarcastic, mystical.
What is one place you wouldn’t want to go to for a first date?
The city dump.
What song is currently playing?
Metatron - The Mars Volta
Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization?
If by "freak" you mean that I scream, slam doors, stab neighbors, and slap kitty-cats, then yes. If by "freak", you mean that I am anal about these things, then no.
Last movie?
It'll probably be something starring Britney Spears and Steven Seagal. Something about a prostitute taking the moral high ground. At that point, the world will probably explode. Unless, um, you meant "what was the last movie that you saw", in which case I would say Indiana Jones and some Crystal Skulls.
Last thing you ate?
Grilled Zucchini and yellow squash. Given my normal diet, you probably don't believe me, but that matters to me about as much as High School Musical.
Did you celebrate Valentine's Day this year?
Of course I did.
Didn't you?
3 things you’ve done today:
1. Installed a new light fixture on the porch.
2. Took the kids with me to the grocery store/gas station/bank.
3. Actually gave consideration to the artistic merit of a Steven Seagal/Britney Spears film.
What's your favorite animal?
Dead bird.
Do you usually get your friends sick when you are sick?
I try to get my friends sick even when I'm not sick.
Who did you last comment?
A woman in the grocery store. I said, "wow, that's a really ugly baby you've got there." Or, did you mean here? On the internet? In that case, it would be the Godmother. Or Krystyn.
Did you have any homework today?
Yeah, totally. then I colored some pictures, cleaned my room, and read a Hardy Boys book. Thank I had a snack, and went down for a nap.
Can you raise one eyebrow?
Yes, I can. I read the instructions.
Ever thrown a shoe at somebody?
No, I don't think I have. But I've had shoes thrown at me before. I caught them on my feet, tied the laces with my mind, and walked away.
What's something you need from the drugstore right now?
The money from the cash registers, maybe a Red Bull or nine.
Who's the last person you went to the movies with?
A whole BUNCH of people. I think the theater was full. I drove there with my wife and kids though, if that's what you meant.
Do you bump into someones arm if you want to hold their hand?
Oh totally. I'm always knocking the kids down doing that shit. I'm all like, "hold my hand when we cross the street girls, oh SNAP, Faceplant!" No, Of course I don't do that you idiot. Does anyone do that?
Worst part about hugs?
Really?
Tell me about the shirt you're wearing?
It enjoys long walks on the beach, windsurfing, cocktails, and it just so happens to be single.
What would you change about your life right now?
I wouldn't mind us being filthy rich. I mean, like, dirty, rotten, filthy, stinking rich. Like, $89 dollars.
What are you doing today?
Whatever I feel like, God!
Elaborate on your profile picture:
I'd totally like draw a mustache on there, and some boobs.
Name an obvious quality you have:
I'm affordable. Low mileage.
What do you wear to bed?
Children, usually.
What do you smell like right now?
Dead bird.
What color is your bedspread?
That's the part that goes on the very top, right? It's magenta. it's not really magenta, but I like the way "magenta" sounds. Mah-jen-ta. Awesome.
If you were getting married tomorrow, do you know who'd be your Best Man?
Probably Screech, from Saved by the Bell. I think he does weddings now, and from what I've heard, he's affordable, like me.
How do you feel when someone you like kisses you?
Um, I generally don't allow people that I don't like to kiss me. The only people that I let kiss me are the wife and kids, and that makes me feel special. Oh, and the garbageman, he kisses me too, but it's different.
Do you think your last ex deserves to die?
That's a stupid fucking question. Nobody deserves to die. Except birds.
Are you dating the last person you kissed on the lips?
No. My daughter and I split up.
Have you kissed someone in the past week?
I kiss someone every single day ever. Because I'm a whore.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I told Charlie that she couldn't have any more lip gloss, and it felt like I did. but I don't think so, really.
Who do you tell the most to?
My wife.
Has anyone ever told you they want to spend the rest of their life with you?
My wife. And some other dudes, but that doesn't count.
What do you carry with you at all times?
Pestilence.
When was the last time you saw your grandpa?
Quite a while ago, sadly.
Do you know anyone with cancer?
Everyone that I've known who has had cancer has already passed. My mom, my step-mom, my grandma, my (worthless) biological dad.
Seriously, help out: go here.
Who was the last person you talked to in person?
My wife.
Who do you want to see right now?
My brother, my dad, my sister. Jeremy Vaughn/Cook, Alex, Adriane, Carrie, and a bunch of other friends from California.
Love or lust?
Both, if you can. Love's a keeper though.
That's about it for tonight. That survey wore me out. The video for today is from the beginning of this month, while Belle was still home. I Miss her.
I saw a survey on myspace, and decided to do it here, it the completely half-serious way that I do surveys that I find there. It definitely adds to my enjoyment of them. Here we are, copied and pasted:
Can you spell your first name using only bands?
Beck
Yaz
At The Drive-In
Nada Surf
Have you chewed gum after someone else already has?
You mean the exact same piece of Gum? That's disgusting. So, yes.
How would you describe your significant other?
Magical, beautiful, intelligent, hilarious, sarcastic, mystical.
What is one place you wouldn’t want to go to for a first date?
The city dump.
What song is currently playing?
Metatron - The Mars Volta
Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization?
If by "freak" you mean that I scream, slam doors, stab neighbors, and slap kitty-cats, then yes. If by "freak", you mean that I am anal about these things, then no.
Last movie?
It'll probably be something starring Britney Spears and Steven Seagal. Something about a prostitute taking the moral high ground. At that point, the world will probably explode. Unless, um, you meant "what was the last movie that you saw", in which case I would say Indiana Jones and some Crystal Skulls.
Last thing you ate?
Grilled Zucchini and yellow squash. Given my normal diet, you probably don't believe me, but that matters to me about as much as High School Musical.
Did you celebrate Valentine's Day this year?
Of course I did.
Didn't you?
3 things you’ve done today:
1. Installed a new light fixture on the porch.
2. Took the kids with me to the grocery store/gas station/bank.
3. Actually gave consideration to the artistic merit of a Steven Seagal/Britney Spears film.
What's your favorite animal?
Dead bird.
Do you usually get your friends sick when you are sick?
I try to get my friends sick even when I'm not sick.
Who did you last comment?
A woman in the grocery store. I said, "wow, that's a really ugly baby you've got there." Or, did you mean here? On the internet? In that case, it would be the Godmother. Or Krystyn.
Did you have any homework today?
Yeah, totally. then I colored some pictures, cleaned my room, and read a Hardy Boys book. Thank I had a snack, and went down for a nap.
Can you raise one eyebrow?
Yes, I can. I read the instructions.
Ever thrown a shoe at somebody?
No, I don't think I have. But I've had shoes thrown at me before. I caught them on my feet, tied the laces with my mind, and walked away.
What's something you need from the drugstore right now?
The money from the cash registers, maybe a Red Bull or nine.
Who's the last person you went to the movies with?
A whole BUNCH of people. I think the theater was full. I drove there with my wife and kids though, if that's what you meant.
Do you bump into someones arm if you want to hold their hand?
Oh totally. I'm always knocking the kids down doing that shit. I'm all like, "hold my hand when we cross the street girls, oh SNAP, Faceplant!" No, Of course I don't do that you idiot. Does anyone do that?
Worst part about hugs?
Really?
Tell me about the shirt you're wearing?
It enjoys long walks on the beach, windsurfing, cocktails, and it just so happens to be single.
What would you change about your life right now?
I wouldn't mind us being filthy rich. I mean, like, dirty, rotten, filthy, stinking rich. Like, $89 dollars.
What are you doing today?
Whatever I feel like, God!
Elaborate on your profile picture:
I'd totally like draw a mustache on there, and some boobs.
Name an obvious quality you have:
I'm affordable. Low mileage.
What do you wear to bed?
Children, usually.
What do you smell like right now?
Dead bird.
What color is your bedspread?
That's the part that goes on the very top, right? It's magenta. it's not really magenta, but I like the way "magenta" sounds. Mah-jen-ta. Awesome.
If you were getting married tomorrow, do you know who'd be your Best Man?
Probably Screech, from Saved by the Bell. I think he does weddings now, and from what I've heard, he's affordable, like me.
How do you feel when someone you like kisses you?
Um, I generally don't allow people that I don't like to kiss me. The only people that I let kiss me are the wife and kids, and that makes me feel special. Oh, and the garbageman, he kisses me too, but it's different.
Do you think your last ex deserves to die?
That's a stupid fucking question. Nobody deserves to die. Except birds.
Are you dating the last person you kissed on the lips?
No. My daughter and I split up.
Have you kissed someone in the past week?
I kiss someone every single day ever. Because I'm a whore.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I told Charlie that she couldn't have any more lip gloss, and it felt like I did. but I don't think so, really.
Who do you tell the most to?
My wife.
Has anyone ever told you they want to spend the rest of their life with you?
My wife. And some other dudes, but that doesn't count.
What do you carry with you at all times?
Pestilence.
When was the last time you saw your grandpa?
Quite a while ago, sadly.
Do you know anyone with cancer?
Everyone that I've known who has had cancer has already passed. My mom, my step-mom, my grandma, my (worthless) biological dad.
Seriously, help out: go here.
Who was the last person you talked to in person?
My wife.
Who do you want to see right now?
My brother, my dad, my sister. Jeremy Vaughn/Cook, Alex, Adriane, Carrie, and a bunch of other friends from California.
Love or lust?
Both, if you can. Love's a keeper though.
That's about it for tonight. That survey wore me out. The video for today is from the beginning of this month, while Belle was still home. I Miss her.
Posted on Tuesday, July 29, 2008 at 12:03AM
by
Ctrl+Alt+Destroy
in "Listy" Type-Thingies, Generalosity
|
3 Comments
Ctrl+Alt+Destroy
in "Listy" Type-Thingies, Generalosity
|
3 Comments
BedHead
Okay, so I haven't been posting every day, but pretty close, and way more than before, so honestly, I don't feel that badly about it. Christa has been really busy with work, so I, in turn have been busy with the kids. That's as good an excuse as any.
So today... oh today. Normally, our kids are pretty well behaved. For the most part, the biggest problem that we have is that they're too smart for our own good, and a bit mischievous, but not ill-behaved. Phoebe gets defiant at times, and Charlie throws tantrums occasionally, but today, Phoebe had a really, really bad day. Charlie, on the other hand, was angelic and cherub-like (minus the wings and fat). Phoebe, however, woke up on the wrong side of the universe, and never slowed down. I can't recall a day in her life where she practiced jackassery with such an elevated level of commitment or dedication. She really put a check mark in every box today, you name it, she did it. Today, she sat on the throne of "I-Broke-Dad's-Authority", and tipped her tiara to the screaming Wal-Mart toddlers, the younger-sibling-punchers, and the spoiled-rotten brats of the world. Today, she was queen, and no parental figure was about to dethrone her on the inauguration of her coup. On top of all of this, she refused to be away from me for even a minute of this fine, fine day. I could not even make a trip the restroom today without accompaniment. So when bathtime rolled along, knowing I was headed for disaster, and realizing that I needed a shower anyway, I gave up, and took the girls in the shower with me instead, to more closely monitor the possibility of Charlie being caught in the crossfire of Phoebe's reign of terror. During the course of this single shower, I uttered, spoke, of even yelled all of the following phrases:
"Phoebe, you can't use that, please put it down."
"Phoebe, please put that down."
"Phoebe, are you allowed to have that? Please put it down."
"Phoebe, put that back."
"Phoebe, you can't just take things from Charlie, please give it back to her."
"Phoebe, put it down!"
"If you don't look up, you're going to get soap in your eyes."
"Phoebe, there are also corners in the shower to stand in."
"Phoebe, if you pick that up again, I'm going to throw it away."
"PUT IT DOWN!"
"Do you want soap in your eyes? Then please look up."
"Give it back, NOW."
"Why on earth would you do that?"
Look you pig-headed motherfucker, knock it the hell off, or I will END you
No quotes around that one, I was only thinking it in my head.
"See, I told you. Let me rinse your eyes."
"Did you really just pee on me?!" It's only okay to pee in the shower if it's not going to get on anyone. Yeah, I'm sorry too"
Let me mention that the entire span of this shower was 15 minutes. All in less time that it takes to make a pot of coffee. So after all of this, at the end of the day, I still ended up being the asshole... in a huge way. Let me explain...
I'll start off by saying that the only thing worse than one of your kids getting injured, is when one of your kids gets injured, and its your own stupid-ass fault. So an hour or two after the infamous shower, we began what is known as "The Battle For Bedtime", which isn't quite nightly, but more frequent than weekly, making it what I like to call, "delicious". So, in this particular segment of the skirmish, Phoebe and I were arguing about the inevitable portion of the evening where she requests that I lay down with her... in her tiny-ass toddler bed, that would barely contain Tattoo from Fantasy Island.
*I was originally going to say Hervé Villechaize, but I wasn't sure that anybody'd get the reference.
Continuing... every night, be it when everyone is still awake, or be it when I am comfortably sleeping in my own bed with my wife at 5:30am, Phoebe insists on requesting (inclusive of whining and crying, if necessary) that I (not anyone else, ever), lay down with her in her minuscule, does-not-comfortably-or-otherwise-contain-your-father, wee bed. Tonight, her tactic was as follows: ignore, yell, repeat. Phoebe ignored my requests for her to listen to me speak, as I was trying to explain that I would lay down with her after grabbing another cup of coffee, and instead chose to chant, more loudly than my useless explaining, "I want you to lay down with me, I want you to lay down with me". Then added the whining, then mixed in the crying (for good measure). All, to which I replied "Phoebe, I will lay down with you as soon as I...". However, now my words were falling on deaf ears, due to the fact that she had begun chanting/whining/crying/yelling more loudly, with her pillow over her face. In my frustration, I pulled the pillow away, not realizing that she was holding it more tightly than Britney Spears grips crazy, and her poor, tiny, yelling head crashed into the side of her bed. The end. Any and everything else she had done during that day was immediately erased, as I pulled her in close, assessed the damage, and began apologizing profusely. I applied the Arnica gel, and made sure she didn't have a concussion. Nothing feels worse. You just can't be that careless. Christa immediately came in to see what had happened, and give out the "mommy magic" that only mommies can give that makes kids understand that everything will be okay. I was mad at me, Christa was mad at me, and I went to get a bag of ice. Phoebe was completely understanding of the fact that it was an accident, and forgave me immediately, although it was unforgivable. When I came back with the ice, she asked if I'd lay down with her, which I did, holding the ice in place while she watched her movie and sucked her thumb. Within minutes, she was asleep, and snoring, with the smallest of bumps on her head.
With kids, it's funny how regardless of what happens during the day, every day ends the same way, with a hug, a kiss, and the knowledge that you're the luckiest person alive to have your kids.
Although Christa already posted the video for today, I'll post it here as well:
So today... oh today. Normally, our kids are pretty well behaved. For the most part, the biggest problem that we have is that they're too smart for our own good, and a bit mischievous, but not ill-behaved. Phoebe gets defiant at times, and Charlie throws tantrums occasionally, but today, Phoebe had a really, really bad day. Charlie, on the other hand, was angelic and cherub-like (minus the wings and fat). Phoebe, however, woke up on the wrong side of the universe, and never slowed down. I can't recall a day in her life where she practiced jackassery with such an elevated level of commitment or dedication. She really put a check mark in every box today, you name it, she did it. Today, she sat on the throne of "I-Broke-Dad's-Authority", and tipped her tiara to the screaming Wal-Mart toddlers, the younger-sibling-punchers, and the spoiled-rotten brats of the world. Today, she was queen, and no parental figure was about to dethrone her on the inauguration of her coup. On top of all of this, she refused to be away from me for even a minute of this fine, fine day. I could not even make a trip the restroom today without accompaniment. So when bathtime rolled along, knowing I was headed for disaster, and realizing that I needed a shower anyway, I gave up, and took the girls in the shower with me instead, to more closely monitor the possibility of Charlie being caught in the crossfire of Phoebe's reign of terror. During the course of this single shower, I uttered, spoke, of even yelled all of the following phrases:
"Phoebe, you can't use that, please put it down."
"Phoebe, please put that down."
"Phoebe, are you allowed to have that? Please put it down."
"Phoebe, put that back."
"Phoebe, you can't just take things from Charlie, please give it back to her."
"Phoebe, put it down!"
"If you don't look up, you're going to get soap in your eyes."
"Phoebe, there are also corners in the shower to stand in."
"Phoebe, if you pick that up again, I'm going to throw it away."
"PUT IT DOWN!"
"Do you want soap in your eyes? Then please look up."
"Give it back, NOW."
"Why on earth would you do that?"
Look you pig-headed motherfucker, knock it the hell off, or I will END you
No quotes around that one, I was only thinking it in my head.
"See, I told you. Let me rinse your eyes."
"Did you really just pee on me?!" It's only okay to pee in the shower if it's not going to get on anyone. Yeah, I'm sorry too"
Let me mention that the entire span of this shower was 15 minutes. All in less time that it takes to make a pot of coffee. So after all of this, at the end of the day, I still ended up being the asshole... in a huge way. Let me explain...
I'll start off by saying that the only thing worse than one of your kids getting injured, is when one of your kids gets injured, and its your own stupid-ass fault. So an hour or two after the infamous shower, we began what is known as "The Battle For Bedtime", which isn't quite nightly, but more frequent than weekly, making it what I like to call, "delicious". So, in this particular segment of the skirmish, Phoebe and I were arguing about the inevitable portion of the evening where she requests that I lay down with her... in her tiny-ass toddler bed, that would barely contain Tattoo from Fantasy Island.
*I was originally going to say Hervé Villechaize, but I wasn't sure that anybody'd get the reference.
Continuing... every night, be it when everyone is still awake, or be it when I am comfortably sleeping in my own bed with my wife at 5:30am, Phoebe insists on requesting (inclusive of whining and crying, if necessary) that I (not anyone else, ever), lay down with her in her minuscule, does-not-comfortably-or-otherwise-contain-your-father, wee bed. Tonight, her tactic was as follows: ignore, yell, repeat. Phoebe ignored my requests for her to listen to me speak, as I was trying to explain that I would lay down with her after grabbing another cup of coffee, and instead chose to chant, more loudly than my useless explaining, "I want you to lay down with me, I want you to lay down with me". Then added the whining, then mixed in the crying (for good measure). All, to which I replied "Phoebe, I will lay down with you as soon as I...". However, now my words were falling on deaf ears, due to the fact that she had begun chanting/whining/crying/yelling more loudly, with her pillow over her face. In my frustration, I pulled the pillow away, not realizing that she was holding it more tightly than Britney Spears grips crazy, and her poor, tiny, yelling head crashed into the side of her bed. The end. Any and everything else she had done during that day was immediately erased, as I pulled her in close, assessed the damage, and began apologizing profusely. I applied the Arnica gel, and made sure she didn't have a concussion. Nothing feels worse. You just can't be that careless. Christa immediately came in to see what had happened, and give out the "mommy magic" that only mommies can give that makes kids understand that everything will be okay. I was mad at me, Christa was mad at me, and I went to get a bag of ice. Phoebe was completely understanding of the fact that it was an accident, and forgave me immediately, although it was unforgivable. When I came back with the ice, she asked if I'd lay down with her, which I did, holding the ice in place while she watched her movie and sucked her thumb. Within minutes, she was asleep, and snoring, with the smallest of bumps on her head.
With kids, it's funny how regardless of what happens during the day, every day ends the same way, with a hug, a kiss, and the knowledge that you're the luckiest person alive to have your kids.
Although Christa already posted the video for today, I'll post it here as well:
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
So let me begin with a short checklist.
Unfortunately, YouTube's privacy features aren't very attractive unless everyone that you want to share the video with has a YouTube account, and is one of your contacts. For instance... My dad does not have a YouTube account, because the only thing he ever watches there (to my knowledge) is videos of my kids. So, for him to bhe able to see this particular video, he'd have to create an account, and become one of my contacts for it to be viewable. That's a lot of trouble to go through for a four-minute video. It'd make more sense to me if YouTube enable a password protection for private videos. That way, you could give the password to anyone who you know isn't some freak-ass perv. Although I guess YouTube couldn't generate new accounts that way.
So, in closing, if you're interested in the new video of Charlie, and aren't one of my contacts on YouTube, you'll have to become one if you want to see it. Yeah, blame the perverts. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have to do stuff like this:
- You have children? Check.
- The humidity of the location in which we live is frequently above 80%? Check.
- Due to the above fact, your children are naked more than 30% of the time? Check.
- While naked, your children do funny, amusing, and/or otherwise entertaining things? Check.
- Would you like to share these funny, endearing moments with family and friends? Check.
- You cannot share these moments with family and friends because disgusting, abhorrent, abominable, pathetic, despicable, detestable, loathsome, lousy, low, nasty, odious, rotten, vile, wretched, contemptible, foul, repugnant motherfuckers will look at your children in a horrible, unforgivable, inappropriate way? C.H.E.C.K.
Unfortunately, YouTube's privacy features aren't very attractive unless everyone that you want to share the video with has a YouTube account, and is one of your contacts. For instance... My dad does not have a YouTube account, because the only thing he ever watches there (to my knowledge) is videos of my kids. So, for him to bhe able to see this particular video, he'd have to create an account, and become one of my contacts for it to be viewable. That's a lot of trouble to go through for a four-minute video. It'd make more sense to me if YouTube enable a password protection for private videos. That way, you could give the password to anyone who you know isn't some freak-ass perv. Although I guess YouTube couldn't generate new accounts that way.
So, in closing, if you're interested in the new video of Charlie, and aren't one of my contacts on YouTube, you'll have to become one if you want to see it. Yeah, blame the perverts. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have to do stuff like this:
Children in the Serengeti
Yeah. So this blog has just been sitting here. Doing nothing. I think other blogs are even laughing at it. The wife is always telling me, "I set you up a blog, I set you up a Flickr, and you never even use them, you're a complete douchebag, and after this leg heals, I'm going to stab you". And I'm all, like, "Oh, yeah, those, I'll totally write a post, and put up some pictures."
She's totally right though. I am a douchebag, even though she never said that part. I keep saying "As soon as this stab wound heals, I'm going to post something, anything." But then, every time I get on the computer, I have all these other things I'm trying to get done, and I just never get to it. It's retarded with a capital "T". Everything always seems so daunting, because I'm an organizational freak. Flickr, for example? I put every family picture I had on my PC, my laptop, and all of my external hard drives into ONE folder on my laptop. Then, I gave it the stink-eye when it told me it was over 60GB. So, before the folder and I got into a "tussle", I ran the whole thing through some software that analyzes the images, and reports any duplicates based on the image, not the filename, size or gender. You know what? That motherfucker had more than 18,000 duplicates. Like they started breeding once I put them all in the same folder. So, being the anal bastard that I am, I started removing duplicates... by hand. Then, they'll need to be archived. Don't even get me started on the "home movies". We probably have about 100 videos with the filename "MOV00001.avi". Oh well, I'll get to it eventually.
So here we are. My blog made me apologize before it'd let me post, and Flickr broke up with me nearly a month ago. I have some amends to make. I told Flickr I'd bake it a cake, but it says it just wants it's record collection back, and to never see me again. Either that, or $24.99 per year. We'll get there baby, it'll just take time... and $24.99.
A while back, our video camera, which we didn't use all that frequently, went apeshit, and refused to work properly.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm getting it, I'm recording it all man! See my red light? Yeah, it's right there, next to your finger jackass. See how I'm lit up all red? That means I'm successfully recording your precious family moments. No, you bastard, of COURSE I wouldn't lie to you, you paid a lot of money for me."
Yeah, so now we have no footage of Catbox's (that's the nickname I've given my eldest daughter) most recent pageant, because I believed the sincerity of the glowing red light on our lying camera. By then, though, we had already gotten the Canon, and didn't want to dump another small fortune on a high-end HD video camera. So the wife had a brilliant idea. She found this little tiny video camera that is every last bit of the awesome. So we've been using the bejesus out of it. So much, in fact, that it's given me an idea....
In an effort to blog more, I'm going to try to film at least 10 minutes of interesting hoohah every day. When I say every day, I don't mean emm through eff man, I mean ALL seven days of the week. No pussing out on Saturday or Sunday. That way, if I can't come up with something interesting to say, BLAM! (insert sound of thunder, and vision of lightning here), video time! So today, I bring not only this post, but a brand new video as well. I got a little overzealous with the camera-ing, and ended up with nearly 45 minutes of video. I'm not going to pretend that anyone wants to watch 45 minutes of video that I've taken, OR that YouTube or Vimeo would host it. So I trimmed it down to under ten minutes, but a really great ten minutes. I know that people will think that they have lots of better ways to spend ten minutes, and they may be right, but watch the video anyway, you'll smile, or your money back...
She's totally right though. I am a douchebag, even though she never said that part. I keep saying "As soon as this stab wound heals, I'm going to post something, anything." But then, every time I get on the computer, I have all these other things I'm trying to get done, and I just never get to it. It's retarded with a capital "T". Everything always seems so daunting, because I'm an organizational freak. Flickr, for example? I put every family picture I had on my PC, my laptop, and all of my external hard drives into ONE folder on my laptop. Then, I gave it the stink-eye when it told me it was over 60GB. So, before the folder and I got into a "tussle", I ran the whole thing through some software that analyzes the images, and reports any duplicates based on the image, not the filename, size or gender. You know what? That motherfucker had more than 18,000 duplicates. Like they started breeding once I put them all in the same folder. So, being the anal bastard that I am, I started removing duplicates... by hand. Then, they'll need to be archived. Don't even get me started on the "home movies". We probably have about 100 videos with the filename "MOV00001.avi". Oh well, I'll get to it eventually.
So here we are. My blog made me apologize before it'd let me post, and Flickr broke up with me nearly a month ago. I have some amends to make. I told Flickr I'd bake it a cake, but it says it just wants it's record collection back, and to never see me again. Either that, or $24.99 per year. We'll get there baby, it'll just take time... and $24.99.
A while back, our video camera, which we didn't use all that frequently, went apeshit, and refused to work properly.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm getting it, I'm recording it all man! See my red light? Yeah, it's right there, next to your finger jackass. See how I'm lit up all red? That means I'm successfully recording your precious family moments. No, you bastard, of COURSE I wouldn't lie to you, you paid a lot of money for me."
Yeah, so now we have no footage of Catbox's (that's the nickname I've given my eldest daughter) most recent pageant, because I believed the sincerity of the glowing red light on our lying camera. By then, though, we had already gotten the Canon, and didn't want to dump another small fortune on a high-end HD video camera. So the wife had a brilliant idea. She found this little tiny video camera that is every last bit of the awesome. So we've been using the bejesus out of it. So much, in fact, that it's given me an idea....
In an effort to blog more, I'm going to try to film at least 10 minutes of interesting hoohah every day. When I say every day, I don't mean emm through eff man, I mean ALL seven days of the week. No pussing out on Saturday or Sunday. That way, if I can't come up with something interesting to say, BLAM! (insert sound of thunder, and vision of lightning here), video time! So today, I bring not only this post, but a brand new video as well. I got a little overzealous with the camera-ing, and ended up with nearly 45 minutes of video. I'm not going to pretend that anyone wants to watch 45 minutes of video that I've taken, OR that YouTube or Vimeo would host it. So I trimmed it down to under ten minutes, but a really great ten minutes. I know that people will think that they have lots of better ways to spend ten minutes, and they may be right, but watch the video anyway, you'll smile, or your money back...